Making sense of the past.

I can remember I think it was my Grandmother that told me that my Mum tried to kill herself after my brother was born. It wasn't because she didn't love him it was because she was worried about money, she didn't think she could afford to have a child. So she ended up in a mental institution I can't remember what it was called but I'll do some research and see if I can find out what it was. Anyway, my Grandmother looked after my brother while she was in hospital. I was also told that my brother was my Grandmothers favourite grandchild. I'm not sure if that's true but I guess if she was looking after she would have become quite attached.

I was also told by my Mother that when I was a baby she didn't like/love me (I have always felt like she didn't like me and was perhaps jealous of me) but more about that later. She used to leave me on the settee (I think that's what it was called back then) and she'd just ya know let me fall off in the hopes that I'd hit my head and die (I haven't seen my Mother since my brother died and she now has dementia so I'm not sure if talking to her would help, she may not even remember me.) Apparently my father would have to feed me when he got home from work. I guess I must of slept a lot when I was a baby because surely to god if I had of been a naughty baby my mother would of gone completely insane and ended up back in the loony bin. I also remember my Mother telling me this (like seriously WTF would you tell you child you didn't want them?) in a sing song voice you know kinda like a psycho. As I think about her now as difficult is it is I believe she has an undiagnosed metal illness, you have to remember in those days they used to just put you in hospital and fill you full of drugs so you just couldn't function, really not a very productive way to help a person struggling with mental health issues.

I can also remember that before my Father started sexually abusing me I loved him to death, it's actually really sad remembering this because if he hadn't of been such a sadisticly fucked up human being with no regard for his Childs welfare I would of been a completely different person. I can even remember him playing Santa Claus at the local church I always wondered why Santa liked me so much, I had no clue it was him. I just thought I was special...lol. Obviously my parents eventually told me it was my Dad, I can't remember which one it was though possibly my Mother. She had a really bad habit of telling us stuff that she probably shouldn't have. Why not wait until we're adults and then tell us?

Anxiety can easily cause overstimulation and trigger meltdowns. Don’t ever think you’re alone though. Just rest and recover after, and if when you feel better you think you need to apologize for it, feel free but don’t regret it. Because if you don’t let it out, it’ll only make things worse for you in the long run.